i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
