My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
