I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
