I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize