Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
