rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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