and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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