I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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