she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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