Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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