Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
