Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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