Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
