I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
