He had one of those small greek statue penises
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
