So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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