nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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