I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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