Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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