I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
