Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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