We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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