I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
