hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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