I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
