Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
