is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
