Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
