At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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