Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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