One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
