I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
