So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
