last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
is it fun? or sober?
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