he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
