yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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