You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
