Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
