Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
