were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
