Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
