half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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