apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
