fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
