Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize