dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
