By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
