We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
