im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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