Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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