Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize