yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
