Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
