Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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