She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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