not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
