and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
3pm strippers are depressing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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