One girl and one boy is just not enough.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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